When is the Right Time for a Heart-to-Heart?
Dealing with big feelings before a hard conversation
“Timing isn’t my strong suit.” - Bertie, The King’s Speech
If you have seen The King’s Speech, you know how Bertie, the future king of England, stammered. Whether he spoke to his family in the dining hall or to thousands of people at Wembley Stadium, he stumbled through his words. People struggled to listen to him, but their pain paled in comparison to his own inner turmoil. He could not get his message out of himself and into others. He thought his problem was timing. In terms of hard conversations, we often feel a similar dilemma: We have something to say, but we do not know how to say it. But Bertie’s problem was not timing, and neither is ours.
We spend most of our lives moving toward more comfort. We move from an apartment to a town home to a small home and then, if possible, to an even bigger home. We buy the second hand run-down Honda with pocket change and progress toward vehicles that fit our desires: more space, more speed, and better design. There is the comical line from Over the Hedge when two animals pass a large luxury vehicle in a driveway.
RJ the Racoon: That is an S.U.V; Humans ride in them because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.
Penny the Porcupine: Jeepers, its so big!
Lou: How many humans fit in there?
RJ: Usually, one.
We like comfort. But much of life and growing up means choosing discomfort. We may drag our feet, but we usually take responsibility for our reluctance. Take going to the dentist, for example. Past six years old, I don’t know anyone who wants to schedule that appointment. Personally I had a decade-long streak going twice a year without a cavity. Until last month. When the hygienist told me she needed the dentist to look closer at a problem, I groaned. They told me I had three months to get the procedure done, or the price must go up. How clever of them. It took me three weeks to schedule the procedure. I knew I had to do it. I knew I would do it. I just didn’t want to.
I don’t want to go to the doctor. I don’t want to wake up when the alarm clock buzzes. I don’t want to cook dinner. The list goes on. But I am trying to grow up, so I own it and do it. I am sure you take responsibility for many of these unwanted discomforts, too.
Then there are the things that bring us discomfort where we often punt responsibility, like hard conversations. When we have something to say to someone that could cause tension, somehow we fool ourselves into believing our resistance is about others rather than ourselves. I get the reluctance. I know it all too well. But growing up means moving toward hard things. For some humor, consider the contrast between how we approach many unwanted experiences. In most everything, we avoid and then accept but all the while own our reluctance. Except when it comes to emotion-causing conversations.
Time to get your prostate checked? No, thanks. I like my privacy.
Clean the toilet? I’d rather not, for obvious reasons.
Do my taxes? Maybe next week. I have more fun things to do.
Have a hard conversation? No thanks.
We, in general, avoid hard conversations. I probably don’t have to tell you that. We will go to extensive measures to detour around what needs to be said. Even worse, consider we are the only living species with the ability to talk through our issues. In hard times, plants simply die. Animals either run away or kill and eat each other when they encounter problems. Thank God we have another option. And yet, we often do no better than animals. Despite the ability to talk and connect, humans often prefer avoidance or intimidation to escape potential conflict.
What is it that makes hard conversations so hard?
I have lost count of the number of times I have heard clients say, “I don’t want to hurt others’ feelings” or “I’m just waiting for the right time to bring it up”. Now there are thousands of caring people out there, and I hope you are one of them. The majority of the time we avoid hard conversations, though, it is not out of concern for others. We want to preserve ourselves. We fear our own feelings.
In our anxiety (and sometimes panic) about telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may, it becomes easier to imagine that a perfect time exists for a hard conversation. To be fair, some times are better than others. I asked my wife to marry me after talking to her dad, not before. Calling to ask your boss for a raise while she is on vacation in Italy? Probably not the best idea. When I worked for a previous employer, firings always happened late afternoon at the end of the week. You did not want to see a meeting scheduled for Friday at 3:00 pm on your calendar. That being said, better to hear that news then than on a Monday morning while people pour their coffee in the workroom and ask, “How was your weekend?”
Sometimes we do need to find the right time and place, and we need social awareness for discernment.
But when I hear clients say, “I need to find the right time to bring it up”, our ensuing conversation is not usually about time or place. Usually, such a statement is another way of saying, “I am trying to find the courage”. It is a heart full of fear, like a child walking back down the stairs after looking down from thirty-three feet atop an Olympic high dive.
A father or mother wonders when to talk to a child about sex.
A husband looks for the right moment to tell his wife he is lonely and wants more for their marriage.
A woman knows she needs to call things off with her fiancé, but it just never feels right to bring it up.
A team leader knows she needs to inform a colleague he is not a good fit for the job. But when? It has already been two years too long.
Hollywood always shows us things work out at just the right time.
In Back to The Future, Marty has to arrive back at the mall parking lot at the right time to warn Doc about the terrorists coming to shoot him. Cinderella must leave the ball by midnight before the magic wears off. Right now my daughters and I are watching the Mission Impossible movies. Ethan Hunt completes his missions at just the right time, seven movies in a row.
Movies have a way of telling us: A) there is a right time, and B) we should be able to find the magic moment to say what we need to say before the magic wears off.
But there is one big problem: The people who say, “I’ve just got to find the right time to bring it up” do not feel as if they have any magic. They feel quite the opposite. If they had any pixie dust, they would sprinkle it and then approach their hard conversations like Maximus confronts Commodus in Gladiator. The evil Commodus has no idea the Roman general he thought he disposed of has been fighting incognito in the Coliseum. Maximus, out to avenge his family and emperor, has found a way to stay hidden. But with confidence he decides that this is the time to reveal himself and speak his heart.
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son. Husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.
That moment is magic. I want to be able to speak with such eloquence in crucial moments, too. But when it’s my line, fear and shame hold my tongue hostage. It never feels like the right time. Maybe I need the sand beneath my feet in Ancient Rome. Perhaps there, with a sword in my hand, hard conversations wouldn’t feel anxious or vulnerable.
For a long time I believed a lie: The right time or place or mood for a hard conversation will set a stage void of our anxiety, shame, and vulnerability. On this stage, we feel confident to say what we feel, to say what needs to be said for the betterment of our audience. But I’ve lived some years and searched diligently: There is no stage for authentic relationships void of anxiety, shame, and vulnerability. Anyone who shows up to live an authentic life and do real relationship must accept that these emotions come with stepping onto the stage. If only we had a script! But demanding a script is the same as looking for the right time or place to rescue us from what is in our heart.
The magic we seek is not in finding the right time or place. We must abandon that search to journey in a different direction, one that moves from looking outward to inward.
The real question is: How do I pursue my anxiety, insecurity, and vulnerability in a way that matures me toward being more of who I am so I can say what I need to say?
Powerful conversations that become memorable moments start inside of you. Real magic happens when your heart connects to your words in a way that brings life to your relationships.
What you need is a deeper and stronger connection to yourself through a process of transformation. On this topic, Hollywood gets it right: Every hero must undergo a process of transformation, usually at the level of the heart. In the internal places where anxiety and insecurity silence us, we too need transformation. In our own story, we need to learn how to show up over and over again, first connected to ourselves, and then ready to connect with others with the words we have to say. The more closely you live connected to what is happening inside of you, the more access to your heart you will have when hard conversations arise. You can only speak words from the strength and identity you have.
This is the power of The King’s Speech. Bertie transforms from a prince who stammers at the podium to a king who inspires his people into calmness and confidence as the Nazis threaten their country in World War II. Bertie finds his voice through far more than technique. His speech therapist connects him to himself, and he emerges from their sessions as a man who knows his own courage.
If you cannot find the right words to say, stop looking for them. Instead, search for yourself.
We have all scripted conversations before they happen. I used to spend so much energy predicting imaginary dialogue in my head that I drained myself. I was looking for the right words instead of myself, and I lost even more of myself in the process. We often spend more energy avoiding hard conversations than we do addressing them, and we end up with less of ourselves.
I want more for us.
If you want the same for yourself, begin to listen to the mental traffic in your head. I bet you will hear some version of “I’ve just got to find the right time to bring it up”. Last hour I heard a client say another version: “I’m waiting for the right time to tell her we need to talk.”
When you hear the same thought, stop to check in with yourself. What are you feeling? It’s likely anxiety and insecurity. Remind yourself there is no perfect time or place. Secondly, lean in to what you are feeling. Your fear and shame need attention. What are you afraid of? What does your insecurity tell you about you and what you have to say?
These answers may not be immediately discernible, but in asking them, you are on the path to the heart of things. Keep going.
Don’t worry. The words will come in time as you learn to live more connected to your heart. In recognizing your anxiety and insecurity, turn inward and kindly ask the better question: When is the right time to pursue transformation?
Finally, an easy question.
The answer is always, “now”.